In How to Say It to Seniors, geriatric psychologist David Solie explores why communicating with aging parents can be so frustrating for children and offers strategies for overcoming the difficulty.

David Solie, Prentice Hall Press, 2004

Solie describes developmental psychology and neuroanatomically controlled brain function, and how these factors affect communication between generations.
Developmental psychology compels older people to hold on tightly to whatever control they can maintain over their lives in the face of daily loss. However, they have a competing need to let go of today’s concerns and discover legacy – that which will live on after them.

The Boomers’ developmental psychology compels them to get things done – to make and act on decisions. At the same time they may begin to feel the conflicting need to give something back to other generations.

Because of normal changes in the brain’s prefrontal cortex involving working memory, older people frequently experience a slowing of mental processes – but most do not experience diminished mental capacity. Performing multiple mental manipulations and processing new information becomes more difficult, but IQ, capacity for verbal expression, language, and abstract thinking remain intact.

This slowing of mental processes actually enhances elders’ ability to reflect and make informed decisions. At the same time, assembling and sorting through new information becomes more difficult.

If Boomers can overcome their urge to push parents into making decisions, they can become valued resources, helping their parents with the process of planning ahead. By partnering with parents in the gathering and sorting of new information, Boomers can facilitate reflection on, and informed decisions about, the future. They can also learn to serve as “legacy coaches”, helping parents explore the meaning of their lives.